I’m walking across the street in front of Target
My dad asks me if the Starbucks in Illinois are better
My thoughts come slowly
As my mind and body
Adjust to the world
After reading the rape story in Female Trouble
And listening to A Milli
Both on my iPhone
No, the Starbucks in Illinois are the same
But I think this one is a little different
Then we’re in the truck on the way home
Many hours have passed
More than I’d anticipated
But it’s no surprise
My father travels at an easy pace
He’s an overflowing spring of dawdle
That runs through my sister and I
We stop behind a yellow jeep
And I wonder if Rachel is still asleep
I feel bad for not leaving a note
But figure she would have called if she needed me
It’s past one when we get home
My mother’s asleep on the couch
And Rachel is still in bed
She’s just had a bad dream
And I give her a hug
And kiss her cheek
Release
Release
Release
But it can’t be done
Here I am
In this body
Thinking about these hands
On this keyboard
Typing out into space
And everything
And everyone
I’m connected to
Release
Release
Release
As if I can unbecome that which I am
As if I can wave power away
As if I can wave discourse away
As if I can wave subjectivity away
As if I can wave my body away
Release
Release
Release
No one understands
What it’s like
To be inside my head
Picking everything apart
Trying to get at its core
Release
Release
Release
It’s an impossible task
I try and open it up
That irrational inside
But everything becomes ordered
Put into place
And paralysis sets in
Release
Release
Release
I fondle words
On the tip of my tongue
But before releasing them
I interrogate them
“What do you mean?”, I say
“Why you?”, I say
It cannot be done
All I have is this self
Surveying the world
Taking everything in
Trying to make sense of it
I am
Forever and always
This ordered being
Never able to let go
Bound eternally
Inside order
And reason
